Wild Animals of the Northwoods
Written by
Calvin Gabriel and performed by Crew E081103F
·
The
northern piker. Preferred
habitat is the duffer position. Frequently seen on portages collapsed under a
tree or leaning on a paddle [yawn, close eyes, and lean head on paddle].
·
The wallet-eye. Typically an adult animal with a tendency
to stare blankly into his empty wallet, as if trying to remember where all the
contents went. Frequently victimized by younger animals, REI salespeople, the
NT registrar, and trading post personnel. [Scouts sneak up and grab money from
wallet as he stares.]
·
The
wet-booted J-stroker. An
unnecessarily enthusiastic animal. Keeps it feet wet everywhere and at all
times, “just in case.” [Pour a cup of water on/in each boot.] Practices
J-stroke while doing anything, including eating [pulls out spoon],
sleeping [looks at announcer blankly], and going to the bathroom [scowls at
announcer, then pulls out a bit of TP and wipes].
·
The loony. This animal thinks it can fly and lead but
actually it just flaps around a lot while singing and laughing crazily. No one
pays any attention. Locals call it…the crew chief.
·
The
teary-eyed merit badger.
Not a native animal, because its diet consists almost entirely of bluecards,
which are never in season here. This species of badger becomes very scrawny
when transplanted to the Northwoods and can often be seen gnawing on the leg of
anyone resembling a merit badge counselor. Its plaintive cries are pitiful
(holding out bluecard—”Please, sir? Portaging merit badge? Duffer merit badge?
Mosquito Slapping merit badge?”).
·
The stinker; or, as it is known in the Boundary Waters,
the splinter-bottomed stinker. Perches on its throne for hours on end in
the position made famous by the sculptor Auguste Rodin. Known for its
incredible odor, which is persistent and corrosive. Often accompanied by the
white-winged teepee bird [second person, fairy-like, flutters TP around the
stinker], and occasionally the two become entangled, producing the
white-tailed splinter-bottomed stinker [TP hanging from pants].
·
The
grizzled bear. Hungry,
smelly, bearded, wild-haired, and covered with mosquito welts and streaks of
sweaty dirt, this lumbering and grumbling adult animal is often found at the
end of 10-day treks. Watch out—they’re dangerous and repulsive!
·
The
fleet-footed urinator. Its
unique ability to protect its most important body parts from mosquito attack by
running through the woods while relieving itself enables this animal to survive
for literally hours in the wilds.
·
The
mosquito. One of the largest
and deadliest animals in the Northwoods, it is a self-contained bloodmobile.
Careful—it can carry off small animals and younger Scouts. Easily identified by
its melodious song, which is fondly remembered by anyone lucky enough to hear
it while drifting off to blissful sleep. Visitors from afar have honored the
memory of this animal by creating the “face-slapping dance.” [Slap own face and
then other’s faces to the tune of “The Blue Danube.”]
·
The crew
moosadvisor. Bellows, but
at no one in particular. Sadly impotent in the Northwoods, it is generally
ignored by smaller animals. Eventually it sheds its awkward antlers [two
paddles knocking together] and returns home to nest and watch TV.
and
finally…
·
Obi Wan
Canoebi. A rare but
unusually strong, wise, and capable animal. Able to leap long portages in a
single bound…faster than a speeding mosquito. [Wears hooded cloak/rope belt,
and uses a paddle like a light saber, with Scouts taking turns doing the sound
effects.] Feared and revered by all who venture into the Northwoods or on its
lakes. Also known locally as…the Charlie Guide.